I think perhaps it must be my medication... and also the general vibe in my life and the world right now... I find myself feeling not extremely low or extremely high. I’m even. And it isn’t a content even. It’s a restless sort of numb even. I’ve not cared before but it always felt a little more emotional. I felt the not caring. I mostly feel disconnected right now. From myself. From other people. I’ve always been resentful if not flat out hateful in regards to people who can not care in a self caring kind of way. Or can carry on a day or a week or a month without thinking about their own death and go to work and enjoy time with people they care about without questioning the validity of those emotions and relationships. I miss the crazy crazy even though I feel almost more like a person? Because feeling human feels kind of too calm... it’s suspicious and boring. At least I feel things when I’m chaos monster. The kicker is neither feel like me haha it’s a sad kind of hopeful. It’s a realistic almost doubtful kind of positive. I’m often envious of others. Not jealous. Not angry. I think I’m being really judgmental. And it comes down to envy. I envy this freedom I see smeared on other people. To feel and converse and work and be in relationships and have hobbies and learn and just exist really and truly consistently without finding themselves in an intense existential crisis that causes emotional upheaval in themselves and people around them. Although I often overestimate myeffect on others. Or underestimate. Whatever. I was diagnosed with borderline this year. It’s possible I also have bipolar. Coming to terms with everything it means to have a personality disorder is... hard. And my catholic upbringing is screaming for me to find blame or reason behind what is just a coincidence of the universe. And technically totally within my control so.....,I always thought it was beautiful if not also terrifying and confusing to by chance exist here now. I spend much too much time questioning my existence and regretting it. Wishing to have not touched the lives I have because touching another life causes a chain reaction and spreads. That scared me too. I hope you don’t mind my musings. I write alone to and for myself. And occasionally I like writing for abd with others. Because the alienation... especially now it feels right... but... I know the more I isolate the harder it will be to crawl out of my panic room later. I’ve proven that to myself before. Any way. It is what it is. Thank you for existing. Even if your positive is kind of dubious like mine... stay positive. Starting to be here now is awkward I guess because I know it means for me at least that whatever happens good or bad or grey.... I’m just here. And it feels numb. I’m probably just adjusting to my meds still.

Posted by KMILLZ667 at 2020-10-30 20:34:06 UTC